Dear J,
I’m working on a new theory of why so few people pursue and succeed in significantly increasing their own autonomy/freedom. The reason is that autonomy is awful. Truly horrible.
Let me explain. I realized the other day that even if I take my foot off the gas pedal of my business activities, I’ll almost certainly cross my FI number before the end of the year. After that point, income will be a ‘nice to have’, not a ‘need to have’.
So I did take my foot off the gas, reduced my business hours a bit, and started to add other things back in my life like more writing, reading, extracurricular projects, etc.
I also, and here’s the kicker, I also began pondering in a serious way the question “now that I’m approaching Total Autonomy(TM), what should I do with my life? what projects should I tackle first? How will I conceptualize my identity as a post-have-to-work human?” I’ve always thought about questions like this but they’re becoming more salient and timely with my transition to “being FI”.
It became clear very quickly that I was on the precipice of some Lovecraftian Abyss of Crushing Darkness.
It's all very well and good to declare freedom and autonomy as a personal value. It's all fun and games while *in pursuit of* freedom (here defined as "the freedom not not have to work full time or maybe at all in order to pay the bills"). The pursuit of freedom becomes a unifying purpose.
But then what do you do once you've got it?
What I'm discovering is that probably one of the first things you do with freedom is you learn what a crushing and horrible responsibility it is.
The nice thing about having a job or similar obligation is that it's a perfectly reasonable excuse for why you aren't more awesome or accomplishing more. You'd *love* to spend all day working on the novel that's inside you, but gosh you just can't: work is stressful and all that. You *wish* you could spend the time in the shop to hone your fine furniture-making skills, but it's terribly difficult to get enough consistent time in when work is crazy.
Et cetera.
But as you approach the finish line of obligate work, you begin to have a terrible realization: *all of your excuses are about to go away*.
If you continue to not work on that novel, or build fine furniture, or become an intrepid world traveler, or get a chiseled physique, or run that ultramarathon, despite having literally no constraints on your time whatsoever... then who are you really?
So getting after those projects and dreams becomes not just a fun thing to do but actually an existentially important personal mission. You've GOT to do these projects to prove something to yourself, and the stakes are very high. What if you've spent decades telling yourself your special and have unique capacities and are bursting at the seams with creative potential -- and then you get free and realize that you're just... kind of mid? Just some guy?
The horror!
I’m sure not everyone experiences this. Some people seem wired appropriately to just have fun and simply enjoy themselves. I am not. (“I know,” I hear you rolling your eyes from here). I’m wired to run, arms flung wide and eyes open, into the sweet embrace of the sublime horror.
I suspect at least some people do experience some level of this sensation, though, and I wonder if that’s a contributing factor to why we hear about “One More Year” syndrome and about people going back to a normie job despite not needing the money. There are other good reasons to make these choices, I’m sure… but I’ve not heard much discussion of the responsibility of freedom issue I’m now getting a preview of.
At any rate, I'm not there yet. Just close enough to the precipice to peer a ways down into the Lovecraftian Darkness of the Agentic Life. Don't get me wrong: I'm excited about it. I just hadn't quite realized the particular flavor of existential horror awaiting me around this corner, and I've now gotten a little preview of it.
A sampling. A nibble. Mmm, mmm-hm. Tastes.... desperate, with notes of "clawing panic" and "deep aloneness" nicely balanced with "deep exuberance" and "a sense of lightness” and “the perception of almost unlimited optionality."
Delicious.
What a treat.
What a privilege to get to feel these feels.
And to stick with them, and go through them, and come out the other side, and learn and level up as a result.
Well, presumably. ;)
Yours,
T