Dear J,
I'm flattered that you would seek my advice for your "little problem" that you mentioned in your last letter. It means a lot that you think I might have some light to shed.
As such, I feel pained that instead of answer your question directly, I'm going to dismantle it.
Here's the thing: I don't think you have a problem at all. I think you have a predicament. Let me explain.
A problem is a situation that you don’t want that you can make go away with some correct solution.
A predicament is a situation that you don’t want that you cannot make go away. It is out of your locus of control. Your only option is to respond to the undesirable situation in some way.
Not having enough money to pay the bills is (typically) a problem. Getting a job, asking for more hours, robbing a bank, enrolling in night school to earn a degree to get a better paying job, or reducing expenses are all potential solutions to the problem of not having enough money to lay the bills. (Note, however, that rapidly rising housing or food prices in your region is a predicament.)
Not knowing what the purpose of the universe is is a predicament. We’d like to know what the ultimate purpose of the universe is, but we never will. Alcohol, ketamine, denial, mysticism, embracing The Mystery, and enrolling in existential therapy are all potential responses to the predicament of not knowing the ultimate purpose of the universe.
Here's another example: I have misaphonia, which just means that there's a glitch in my brain whereby certain sounds trigger my fight or flight response. Being in the presence of certain kinds of chewing noises will reliable induce a feeling in me not unlike the road rage I felt when I got sideswiped by a Sprinter at 75mph who hit-and-ran: fear, anger, helplessness, racing mind, clenching fists, twisted gut, etc. If exposed to the sound long enough, it can take me the rest of the day to recover and even disrupt my sleep.
For years I attempted to solve the problem via various mind control techniques (meditation, exposure therapy, whiteknuckling, etc) and researching if any medical or pharmacological treatments exist. Nothing worked.
So I adopted a response instead. I carry my motorcycle earplugs around with me on my keychain and pop them in whenever necessary. I can still hear conversation, but it cuts out the chewing noises. My level 2 response is to put in earbuds and play music at a low volume. My level 3 response is to leave.
Coming back to your question: you asked me for advice on how to solve your 'problem'. Similarly to my misaphonia, the circumstance you described didn't strike me as something within your locus of control, and so I don't think a solution exists. You'll have to learn to deal with the circumstance -- you'll have to choose an adaptive response. Instead of changing the circumstance, you need to change yourself.
To anticipate your reply: no, that isn't really fair. You're going to have to get over that.
---
Somewhat relatedly, Cody (you remember Cody, the DIY Tenure / multiple DIY MBA's guy) put me on to Eric Maisel and his book Why Smart People Hurt. The title doesn’t point to the valuable takeaway in my opinion. The *point* is that Maisel has this whole framework and set of practices for dealing with the existential dilemmas I've been writing to you about.
The gist is to lean into the understanding of meaning as a subjective psychological experience. This is something I've understood for years, but Maisel is helping me actually think through the implications of fully accepting this idea and what can be done with it to support a healthy relationship with reality, one's self, etc. In other words, okay fine, meaning is subjective - but how do you actually go about constructing a framework of meaning for yourself?
I finished his book last night - I feel like I highlighted half of it - and now need to go back and process my notes. I'll write more on this, but I'm feeling really encouraged to have some clear and clearly useful tools to work with. Rereading Camus' The Stranger or The Myth of Sisyphus gets you only so far.
Take care J, let me know how you get on with developing a response to your predicament.
T
PS: I’ve adopted the practice of warming up my writing sessions with writing or editing one Pattern of Deep Response. It’s proving a great way to get in the right headspace and consistently chip away at the project. Patterns since my last letter: